Before baby, the things parents do seemed unthinkable. I used to wonder how
someone could possibly tolerate wiping the bum of another human being for
years. Surely, they must hate that!
Very little sleep, spending all your money on
the sprog, being fat and pregnant - all things I expected to find difficult, or
just plain hate. But the reality is so
far from my imagination. Here's the
contenders for things that most surprised me about parenthood - the things I
thought I would hate but actually didn't mind too much:
1) Welcome to Poo-tasia! - Are you someone
who is fascinated by poo? Could you discuss poo size, smell, shape, colour and
consistency on a daily basis? If not,
don't worry. It probably means you're
just not a parent yet. When you are, the
information gleaned from poo reading is invaluable. And far from being the pile of steaming stink
bomb you'd expect, somehow it becomes as normal and mundane as clipping your
own toe nails. I swear I don't even
smell them sometimes. I remember the
poos not in terms of which ones were grossest, but which ones were the
funniest. Thom and I have whiled
away many evenings discussing the contents of Ethan's nappy. Good times. On a related note: No one told us how much babies fart. Not little, innocent puffs, but huge, ripping
man farts. These also are not as much of
a concern as I would have imagined if someone had told me that a stranger is
about to move in and fart on me several times a day.
2) Money,who needs it anyways - Little junior is like a money sponge. I'm sure he's soaked it up somehow, but I'll
be dammed if I can figure out how such a little guy absorbed so much of our
cash. Babies are expensive, and that scares off lots of people. Fair enough, I think, because luxuries in life
with a baby in tow look more like a night in with a new DVD and less like a
long haul holiday. But, surprisingly, we
don’t mind nearly as much as I thought we would. Somehow, when we’ve blown our beer money on marbles,
crayons and lollipops, we don’t miss it.
3) Boogers, Snot and other mucus related
splats – Ever had an irresistible urge to sick your finger up someone’s nose to
clear a crusty green blob so they could breathe better? Despite choking back the puke as I
write, these urges sprang up within me like instincts of a cheetah to chase an
antelope. And without thinking, or
grossing myself out, boom! I’m picking someone else's nose. When their poor little noses are
blocked, they can’t sleep, they can’t eat and they are miserable. Somehow digging in there seems like the
natural thing to do, rather than the disgusting thing it actually is. We even had a plastic contraption of tubes
that was for sucking the ‘blockage’ out.
It had a filter to catch the green bastards. Sometimes they were so big that they would
land against the filter with a big ‘thud’.
I feel I’ve lost my mind to even have done this, but there it is.
4) Saying goodbye to your old life - Janis
Joplin once sang, 'Time keeps moving on. Friends, they turn away.' Sounds sad,
but it's another one that didn't fuss me as much as I thought it would. So now a good night is defined as one with a lack of puking, rather than someone overdoing it so much that they vomit. And hangovers feel like so
much hassle that the wine tastes less appealing. And so what.
Your old friends don't call anymore and rather than feel upset, you start to see them for the
immature douche-bags they are. And it's all ok.
Life goes like that - we evolve and adjust and accept. I don't miss the high heel blisters, little
friendship dramas or over priced neon coloured shooters. That just seems all a little bit insane
compared to the crayon and play dough parties we enjoy now.
I surprise myself. Life is full of surprises, and I guess that's
what makes it wonderful.